Why it’s hard to make new friends in your 30s and beyond
No matter how old you are, it can always be hard to make new friends. When you reach your 30s, however, it can be super daunting. But making friends in your 30s doesn’t have to be intimidating, but we should look at some of the reasons why it’s difficult and consider how to overcome them. Here are 15 reasons why it’s hard to make friends after 30.
1. People are busy with kids.
Probably the top reason why it’s difficult to make friends after you’re 30 is that by that point in their lives, most people typically have children that tend to require a lot of time. So, unless you’re in the same boat, with kids of your own, it can be extremely difficult finding people your age to socialise with.
One way to overcome this hurdle is to find new social communities where you can connect with other singles who don’t have kids, like Bumble BFF where you can find other singles who would like new friends, Citysocializer, where the majority of the community are single and in their 30s, and Meetup that has groups meeting up specifically by age.
2. People’s social circles rarely change after 30.
Studies have shown that, when people reach their 30’s, they start to value quality friendships over quantity. Once their social circles dwindle, people settle for fewer friendships.
As an outsider to those social circles, you may find it more intimidating to “break in” to an already established social circle.
The best way to deal with this is to join clubs or activities that match your personality and interests. Find a common reason to come together with these people, and you’ll open the door to more quality friendships.
3. Higher levels of individualism.
Existing quantitative research suggests that people are becoming increasingly individualistic, materialistic, and narcissistic. People are spending more and more time online and, thus, keeping to themselves.
One way to address this issue is to find your own sense of individualism. Learn to be happy on your own so that you don’t come across as clingy in social interactions.
4. Lack of education on friendship and social skills.
If you look online, there are loads of blogs for helping people find relationships, but hardly any that address making new friends. The advice that one might give to make better relationships does not necessarily apply to making better friendships.
5. When you’re older, it takes more than one thing in common to make friends.
As children, it was much easier to make friends. You tended to gravitate towards anybody who had anything in common with you.
But when you get older, you realise that compatibility is important in any type of social relationship. This is why the best plan of action is to join clubs and volunteer for things you care about. This allows you to meet and socialise with people who care about the same things you do.
6. Fear of reaching out to others.
There’s a certain type of pride that keeps us from reaching out to others when we need them. We are afraid of rejection, and we fear the judgment of others.
Here are three ways to overcome that fear:
- Rewire your brain by reading and listening to motivational material.
- Have a plan for those times you fear the most (i.e. a lull in the conversation).
- Set the goal to talk to at least one new person every day.
7. You have nothing to talk about.
This is typically a sign that you need to spice up your life. If you have little to talk about, it may be time to address the reasons for that. Have you been so focused on work that you have forgotten how to enjoy your life?
It’s also helpful to understand that you don’t have to be constantly talking to enjoy someone’s company. You know when you’ve found the right people when you can comfortably share silence.
8. People are more set in their ways.
According to psychologists, people don’t change much beyond their 30s. This could mean that, if you’ve spent a significant portion of your adult life alone or without friends, it may be tougher to make friends at this age.
But don’t let that hold you back, because you can reinvent yourself in any way that you want.
Start by making small changes in your life. Do something you wouldn’t normally do. Keep your mind open to new possibilities and reach for them whenever you can.
9. You aren’t making yourself available to others.
How often do people invite you to do things and you tell them no? You won’t make new friends if you don’t embrace new opportunities.
Start saying yes to these invites, even if you don’t particularly like the person who is inviting you. This will open you up to new opportunities which will inevitably lead to making new friends.
10. You don’t have enough money to do things.
As the cost of living crisis escalates it can be limiting to be able to go out and do stuff that costs money. You don’t want to turn down opportunities to socialise but when you’re struggling to pay your bills, splurging on cocktails is out of the question.
But socialising with friends and meeting people is important to your mental health, so learn to make a budget and allocate a percentage of your pay to only use for social occasions. Or skip the morning coffee and add this to your going out fund.
11. Your social skills are rusty.
If you haven’t been out for a while, you may feel like your social skills are rusty. You may have never really had much of a social life to begin with. Whatever your situation, there’s only one way to overcome it.
You have to be willing to fail and look foolish. You have to be willing to take chances. The only way to sharpen your social skills is to practice in real social situations. Consider using a group like Citysocializer.com or Meetup.com to help sharpen your social skills.
12. Digital interaction makes it harder to socialise in real life.
According to research, we typically can only handle about 150 friends at any given time. This includes your online social network. Perhaps to supplement your lack of social interaction, you’ve inserted yourself into various online communities that are taking up that space in your brain.
Scale back your online presence and start weening yourself off of social media. You don’t have to quit entirely, but you need to set some limitations on how much of your life it consumes.
At first this will feel strange, and your levels of loneliness may increase. But that is a temporary feeling that will give you the fuel needed to go make friends in the real world.
13. Your time is limited.
Perhaps you’re too busy to make new friends. Maybe you’re forced to work long hours to succeed in your job and manage all of the other responsibilities in your life. If this is the case, then analyse what is dominating your time and why and try and understand if you are working to fill the gap where friends should be or if you really need to be putting in as many hours as you are.
14. The older you are, the more difficult it is to get excited about spending time with people you don’t know.
When you’re young, much of the excitement of doing things is in the fact that it’s the first time you are doing them. But by your 30s you may start feeling a little bit jaded.
But many times, a lack of excitement comes from being stuck in the same patterns for too long. It’s time to shake things up a bit and make some changes.
15. Your life isn’t as interesting as it was when you were in your 20s.
Your 20s are about discovering yourself and trying new things. Your social circle is usually as big as it’s going to get. As you get older, things start to settle into a routine.
We are creatures of habit, and that habit can make our lives boring. The best way to change your perspective and make your life more interesting, either through travel, or just listening to new podcasts and audio-books that uplift you and shift your view of the world.
The bottom line
Making friends in your 30s can be intimidating and scary. Your goal is to make it an adventure. See it as a new challenge and begin tackling the reasons you’ve pulled away from people.
This will make your life (and you) more interesting. Don’t be afraid to take a risk. Your new life awaits!
